Madogga: One of History's Biggest Dicks
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Madonna Louise Ciccone Ritchie (born August 16, 1958) is a recording artist, an “actress”, a provocateur, a blasphemer, and a dick.
The Recording Industry Association of America ranks Madonna
as the best-selling female rock artist of the twentieth century with
over 200 million albums sold worldwide and there’s just no way anybody
can sell that many albums without being a gigantic dick.
unique style of dickishness is at the cross section of two dick
categories: Dicks Who Desperately Crave Attention and Dicks Who Sleep
Their Way to the Top. Her hobbies include marrying, divorcing, offending
the church, acquiring children in various ways, and wearing weird
cone-shaped bustiers that are meant to be sexy but are really just
was born in Bay City, Michigan on August 16, 1958, a birthday she
shares with fellow annoying middle-aged dick, Kathie Lee Gifford. She
was the third of six children, which likely planted the seeds for a life
of begging people to pay attention to her. After her mother died, her
father married the family housekeeper, which probably helped screw her
up real good too.
attended both St. Frederick's Elementary School and St. Andrew's
Elementary School, giving her enough working knowledge of the Catholic
church to properly denigrate its most cherished symbols years later. She
also laid the groundwork for a lifetime of promiscuity by joining the
cheerleading squad at Rochester Adams High School, which lead to a dance
scholarship from the University of Michigan. However, she left her
collegiate dance studies in 1977 for the glitz and glamour of New York
City and a day job at Dunkin' Donuts.
Sleeping her way into music
Not particularly satisfied as a backup dancer for French disco singer Patrick Hernandez, Madonna
hatched a lifelong career strategy of sleeping with men who could help
her career. Her initial rise to stardom from mattress to mattress can
only be described as pure dick genius.
First, she dated musician Dan Gilroy, who helped form her first
rock band, the Breakfast Club. Then she dated drummer Stephen Bray, who
helped her write and produce dance songs that became popular in New York
clubs. Then she dated DJ/producer Mark Kamins, who helped her get a
record deal with Warner Bros’ Sire Records. And then she dated DJ John "Jellybean" Benitez, who remixed several tracks on her first album Madonna, helping to create the hits "Borderline," "Lucky Star,” and "Holiday."
Once her music career was launched, Madonna
began using her mouth primarily for singing and cranked out hit after
hit in the 1980s including “Like a Virgin," “Material Girl,” “Into the
Groove,” “Papa Don’t Preach,” and other songs 38-year-old women still
sing to themselves when they’re driving to work. But even more than her
mindless dance songs, it was Madonna's
lace tops, fishnet stockings, and bleached blond hair showcased in her
music videos that made her an icon amongst young girls seeking ways to
mildly rebel to against their parents.
Sleeping her way into movies
Despite achieving fame as a “musician,” Madonna’s
dickish need for attention could only be satisfied by silver screen
stardom. However, when the best she could do was play a thinly veiled
version of herself in Desperately Seeking Susan, Madonna reverted
to her former tried and true strategy. In 1985, Madonna dated
actor/dick Sean Penn, immediately reaping the benefits by co-starring
with him in the feature film Shanghai Surprise. After marrying then quickly divorcing Penn, the best role she could get was another thinly-veiled version of herself in Who's That Girl, named after the song she had to record for the movie’s soundtrack before she was allowed to act in it.
Madonna was soon dating middle-aged heartthrob Warren Beatty and co-starring in his movie adaptation of the comic book Dick Tracy.
Sure, her character of slutty singer Breathless Mahoney was yet another
thinly-veiled version of herself, but this was a huge movie that people
all over the world saw, so it was okay.
In 1991, Madonna
turned her “sleeping her way to the top” strategy on its ear and,
instead of using sex to get cast in a movie, she cut out the middle man
and simply made a movie about sex. While this documentary film, Truth or Dare,
was technically a behind-the-scenes look at her Blond Ambition world
tour, it will forever be known as “that black and white movie where Madonna makes out with her gay backup dancers and gives a blowjob to a water bottle.
Controversy = Attention
In 1987, Madonna’s
use of religious symbolism in concerts caused headlines around the
globe when Pope John Paul II urged Italian fans to boycott her Who's
That Girl tour. That was also when Madonna
learned the second most important dick rule of her career: controversy =
attention. In 1989, she adhered to this rule when she signed an
endorsement deal to debut her new "Like a Prayer" video in a Pepsi
commercial, then made sure the video featured enough stigmata and
burning crosses to be condemned by the Vatican as well.
In 1990, Madonna scored a Double Dick Whammy when she released her greatest hits compilation, The Immaculate Collection,
with two new songs: "Justify My Love" and "Rescue Me." Aside from the
fact that it’s always a dick move to make fans who already own all your
albums buy a greatest hits collection by cramming two shitty new tracks
into it, the music video for "Justify My Love" intentionally featured
enough sadomasochism, bondage, same-sex kissing and nudity to be banned
was on the top of her attention-whoring game for her Girlie Show tour
in 1993 where she dressed as a dominatrix and rubbed the Puerto Rican
flag between her legs while on stage in Puerto Rico. An Honorable Dick
Mention goes to her appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman
later that year when she swore at Letterman and then asked him to smell
In 1992, Madonna
founded her own company, Maverick, as part of a $60 million deal with
Time Warner. She immediately went about grabbing more
controversy-inspired attention by releasing a book of sexually explicit pictures of herself and the sex-themed Erotica, which ranks as one of her least successful albums.
Not whoring it up = Attention
In 1996, Madonna
grabbed attention with a dickishly cunning piece of reverse psychology.
Rather than continuing to release near-softcore pornography, she
portrayed Eva Perón in the movie Evita. Critics were so confused
by her lack of whoring it up that she ended up winning a Golden Globe
for Best Actress and an Oscar for Best Original Song.
Having a baby = Attention
On October 14, 1996, Madonna
found her most dickish way to get attention yet when she gave birth to a
baby girl fathered by fitness trainer Carlos Leon, with whom she
promptly broke up afterwards.
Sleeping her way into London
Growing tired of the attention from her home country, Madonna
plotted to find a new international home base from which to draw
eyeballs. In 1999, she found the perfect man to sleep with that would
make that possible: British film director Guy Ritchie. Wasting no time,
she gave birth to their son, Rocco in 2000. After marrying Ritchie
later that year, the two moved to Marylebone, London where Madonna gave birth to a silly fake British accent.
As a bonus, this relationship landed Madonna another movie role in Ritchie’s 2002 film Swept Away.
However, the film was a box office and critical failure and was
actually released straight-to-video in her home country, the UK. This
meant the days were numbered for their marriage and the couple finally
announced their divorce.
Desperately seeking attention
In the current chapter of Madonna’s
life and career, she’s been grasping at straws, doing anything to stir
up even the smallest bit of attention from a world that has moved on to
other promiscuous pop stars:
- In 2003, Madonna
kissed Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera during the MTV Video Music
Awards, not realizing that the only thing more mainstream than
appearing on the MTV Video Music Awards in 2003 was a girl-girl kiss.
- In 2006, Madonna wore a crucifix and Crown of Thorns
on her Confessions tour, leading even a Protestant bishop to comment
that her now-cliché blasphemy was "the only way an aging superstar can
- In October 2006, Madonna
adopted a young boy from Malawi, ignoring the law that required
would-be parents to reside in Malawi for one year while also taking
advantage of the boy’s biological father who didn’t understand what
- Madonna recently defended her Kabbalah studies by stating it "would be less controversial if I joined the Nazi Party.”